Jo who?
Part One
I can’t wait to show Sue Season 11′s new title sequence. The diamond logo! The space-time vortex! Jon Pertwee’s legs!
Sue: They’ve changed the titles. (Pause) And they’ve missed a bit.
Me: What?
Sue: The bottom left-hand corner. They missed a bit.
Me: Is that it?
Sue: I like the new theme music.
Me: They haven’t changed the music!
Sue: Calm down! OK, it’s very clever, especially when you consider that they didn’t have any CGI back then. You can also see its influence on the new series’ titles, too. Is that better? Oh, The Time Warrior… Is it the…
Me: No!
Sue: Oh, look – Robert Holmes. I like Robert Holmes. A nice four-part Robert Holmes. It’s a winner already.
And then the episode begins…
Sue: It’s Game of Thrones but with -
Me: But with less incest. Yes, we know.
Sue: I like the historicals. They take me right back.
Me: Very funny.
Sue: No, I mean they take me back to the old William Hartnell stories. I used to like the comedy historicals. Is this one a comedy?
Me: Wait and see.
Sue: It really is Game of Thrones. This lot look like they’re members of the Night’s Watch. I miss Game of Thrones. Can’t we blog about that instead?
We are introduced to David “He’s in everything” Daker as Irongron, and his aide, Bloodaxe, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Noel Edmonds.
As an illuminated tennis ball hurtles past a castle window, I should point out that I didn’t bother trying to surreptitiously sneak in the version of this story that includes new CGI effects. Mainly because they are rubbish and they make what is already a cack-handed effect look even worse.
Sue: It’s a mini-Epcot.
She’s referring to a Sontaran ship that has crash landed outside Irongron’s castle. And when Linx exits this ship, Sue recognises him immediately.
Sue: Oh, it’s the Sontarans! Are you impressed that I know that?
Me: Not really. You can’t move for Sontarans in the new series.
Sue: They’re the good guys, aren’t they?
Me: No, they are not the good guys!
Linx forges an alliance with Irongron – he gives the robber baron access to modern weaponry in exchange for shelter while he repairs his ship.
Sue: He has created weapons that go bang before you’ve had a chance to fire them. That’s a bit dangerous.
Meanwhile, back in contemporary England, we are introduced to Sarah Jane Smith and Sue takes to her like a duck to water. But of course she does. Sarah Jane is a character that Sue knows very well, and there’s no point in trying to hide it. But this is the very first time that Sue has seen Sarah at the beginning of her illustrious career.
Sue: She’s very beautiful.
But it isn’t just Elisabeth Sladen’s looks that make an impression on Sue.
Sue: Sarah Jane is nothing like Jo. She isn’t girly at all. She’s very resourceful and ballsy, and I like it. I just hope her character stays like this throughout the series.
In fact, everything is going swimmingly until Sue is forced to concentrate on the partitions that have been erected to house some scientists who are currently under UNIT’s protection.
Sue: They are having a laugh. There are no ceilings on those things but the Doctor assumes that Sarah Jane can’t hear a word he’s saying as soon as she shuts the door. They look like they are sleeping in toilet cubicles! The walls look like they’ve been made from cardboard and I don’t buy it at all. That is some very shoddy design work.
Oh dear.
Aside from spotting Dot Cotton as Lady Eleanor (Sue keeps waiting for her to stick a cigarette in her mouth), the episode races along nicely and Sue appears to be enjoying it immensely. She believes that it’s the perfect introduction for a new companion, and by the time we reach the cliffhanger – one of the classic series’ most iconic moments – and Linx takes off his helmet to poke his tongue out at us, she is completely sold.
Sue: The Sontarans aren’t half as scary in the new series.
Part Two
Me: I have a very strong memory of watching this particular episode. It was Christmas week, 1973, and I was four years old. What I remember the most is that I saw it in London. In my grandparents house in Stratford, to be precise. I can only assume that my dad was visiting them during the holidays. Anyway, I’m sitting in front of an open coal fire… And that’s about it.
Sue: Fascinating. Do the fans think the Sontarans look like potatoes?
Me: Yes.
Sue: What about giant poos?
Me: Not so much.
Sue: The make-up looks amazing, though. You can see why they became so popular. It’s a brilliant design.
We then have an animated discussion about Sarah’s reaction to her current predicament. Is she being thick or realistic? I’m going with thick.
Sue: It’s perfectly understandable for her to believe that she’s walked into a Medieval pageant -
Me: Via a Police Telephone Box? That’s bigger on the inside?
Sue: She might believe that the Doctor drugged her or something.
Me: So the Doctor date raped her and then he took her to a Medieval banquet? That makes sense.
Sue: All I know is that Jo would be screaming her head off at this point.
As Linx strokes Sarah’s thorax, and she barely flinches, I concede that Sue definitely has a point.
We are then introduced to Linx’s robot knight, which he has built for Irongron to play with.
Sue: That’s quite scary. Anything that doesn’t have a voice or a face terrifies me.
It’s bloody rubbish when it comes to fighting, though…
Sue: You could just run behind it and push it over. It looks like it’s about to fall over in that skirt. It wouldn’t take much.
The knight is repeatedly shot by Hal the Archer, aka Boba Fett (she’s not impressed by this fact for the second time in this experiment), and then its head comes off. And yet it still keeps on coming…
Sue: Ah, so that’s why it had such a top-heavy body. It’s so the stuntman could hide in its torso. That makes sense.
The damaged knight is eventually carted away for Linx to fix.
Sue: I hope it’s still under warranty.
In the castle’s basement, Linx has hypnotised a group of scientists that he has kidnapped from the future. To be honest, Sue struggles with this aspect to the story quite a lot. And who can blame her?
Sue: You know, there’s a lot of hypnotism in Doctor Who. Every other story has some character or other under the influence of mind control. It’s a bit lazy, especially when you get a lot of them in a row.
And then the Doctor says the word ‘Gallifrey’ for the very first time.
Me: There you go. It’s only taken them 10 years, but we finally have a name for the Doctor’s home planet.
Sue: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Sue: Are you quite sure they haven’t mentioned it before and we just didn’t notice?
I give her a very stern look.
The Doctor manages to escape from Linx’s clutches with the help of the story’s comic relief, Professor Rubeish.
Sue: Why does he keep running into them? Why doesn’t he just run away?
Me: It looks like we’re playing World of Warcraft from this angle.
Sue: This isn’t bad at all. It’s zipping by. I was going to watch an episode of Jersey Shore, but I’m happy to keep going with this if you are.
Me: Wow. High praise indeed.
Between episodes, Sue tells me that she wishes she had some childhood memories of the time that The Time Warrior went out that she could draw upon, and so I decide to pay homage (well, rip off) Philip Sandifer’s excellent TARDIS Eruditorum blog. You see, at the beginning of every entry, Philip contextualises the original transmission date of any given story by listing what was riding high in the UK charts at the time.
So, in an effort to stimulate Sue’s memories (it will be good training for when the Alzheimer’s kicks in), I decide to play Sue some music that would have been on everyone’s lips when this story was broadcast.
Because the number one record was far too Christmassy to play (“Was it Slade?”), we begin with Gary Glitter’s seminal ‘I Love You Love Me Love’ instead.
You can listen to the track via Spotify, if you dare. Incidentally, this is why Gary Glitter turned up in my Spotify Facebook feed the other day. I swear to God.
Sue: Ah, yes, now I know exactly what I was doing when this episode went out.
Me: Go on.
Sue: I was having an argument with Louise Coghan – Coggie, we called her – about which pop star was better looking. Gary Glitter or Donny Osmond. I fancied Donny. She had a thing for Gary. She told me she wanted to marry him. She was also the most popular girl in the school so she won that argument. But I had the last laugh. I never fancied a paedo.
We’ll try this again every couple of stories. Maybe.
Part Three
Sue: Would Robin Hood have been on television around this time?
Me: Has there ever been a time when Robin Hood wasn’t on television?
Sarah suspects that the Doctor is the evil wizard that everyone keeps talking about.
Sue: I like the way Sarah Jane distrusts the Doctor and she doesn’t just fall in with him straight away. It makes sense for her to suspect him, especially given that he’s responsible for bringing her here. It’s very clever and it stops her from appearing stupid, even if she is wrong.
The script continues to impress, and Sue loves the description of the Doctor as a “long shanked rascal with a mighty nose”.
Sue: Robert Holmes couldn’t write a rubbish insult if he tried.
Sue likes the design of the castle, too. Which is a blessed relief because she once met the designer for this episode, Keith Cheetham.
Sue: Oh yes! Didn’t I get him to come in and talk to my university students?
Me: Yes. It was the late 1990s, and when we took him out for lunch, I couldn’t stop asking him about the design of the Sontaran spaceship.
Sue: And what was I doing at this point?
Me: Yawning, mostly.
Sue: He was a very nice man. And the carpentry is very nice. I forgive him for the toilet cubicles.
We are then treated to a very funny scene where Linx can’t see the gun that someone hands to him because his helmet is impossible to see out of. It’s a very entertaining moment and we watch it several times over:
Sue: That’s cruel. Funny, but cruel.
A fabulous fight sequence follows, with the Doctor lobbing stink bombs at the marauding army below. And one of the explosions is definitely a bit too close for comfort.
Sue: That bloke genuinely shat himself just then.
In fact, the episode is only let down by some appalling acting from the two guards who allow the Doctor and Sarah to infiltrate Irongron’s castle dressed as friars.
Sue: They only stick out so much because everything else is so good.
Me: The Doctor is technically a meddling monk now.
The Doctor tries to reason with Linx. He offers to help him, if only Linx will promise to stop pissing around with time, but the Sontaran (who looks at the Doctor as if is speaking a foreign language) shoots the Doctor in the head instead.
Sue: I’m sorry if I’m not saying very much. I’m enjoying it too much.
Part Four
Sue: Back in the 70s, I had a leather jacket that was exactly the same shade of green as Jon Pertwee’s velvet coat. I loved that jacket.
And that’s all I get out of Sue for the first 10 minutes of this episode.
When Sarah Jane attempts to incite rebellion in the kitchen (“This is very Upstairs, Downstairs“), I ask Sue how she feels about the show’s sexual politics right now.
Me: Are you pleased to see feminism appearing in Doctor Who?
Sue: Of course I am. What a stupid question.
As Rubeish brings the kidnapped scientists out of their hypnotic states, Sue is impressed with their calm composure.
Sue: They are taking it very well. Why aren’t they all freaking out? Or at least taking notes?
When Rubeish knocks Linx unconscious with a quick smack on the back of his probic vent, Sue can’t see how they made it this far in life.
Sue: The Sontarans should put rear view mirrors on their armour. That way they’d be able to tell if an enemy was coming up behind them.
When the Doctor is recaptured by Irongron (who sounds more and more like Sean Bean with every passing scene), the Time Lord is used as target practice. Luckily for the Doctor, Irongron’s men are terrible shots.
Sue: This lot are almost as bad as UNIT!
The Doctor escapes, with the help of Sarah (of course), and he returns to his TARDIS to retrieve a set of metallic strips that form the shape of a circular fan.
Sue: It’s a giant feeler gauge.
Me: If you say so, love.
As the Doctor fights with Linx, Sue offers her usual advice from the sidelines:
Sue: Just stick your finger in his vent!
Linx tries to leg it but Hal shoots him where it counts.
Sue: What a shot.
Me: Yeah, it’s just a shame that it’s completely pointless.
Linx’s ship explodes with such force, it can only be realised with bad stock footage. A little later, as we skim through the obligatory ‘making of’ documentary on the DVD (mainly so Sue can remember what Keith Cheetham looks like), we eventually come to the section where Barry Letts laments Alan Bromly’s affinity for special effects, and we accidentally watch the ‘improved’ version of this scene as well.
Sue: I have students who could do better than that.
As the story comes to an end, Sue believes that Hal will join the Doctor and Sarah Jane on their travels. When they decide to leave without him, she can’t help feeling sorry for the poor sod.
Sue: That’s a shame. UNIT could do with a good shot.
The Final Score
Sue: It fell apart at the end. It started really well but it ended up as a bit of a farce. Sarah Jane was great and the Sontaran looked really good too, but the plot was a bit silly. I think Robert Holmes got a bit bored – or rushed – towards the end.
7/10
The experiment continues…
One last thing before we go: We have opened a new Adventures with the Wife in Space Shop that specialises in mugs. UPDATE: I have tested the products and they look great. The shop is now open!
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Just a quick comment from me as I should go to bed, but the best quote (but too long for a t-shirt) has to be:-
“Sue: Fascinating. Do the fans think the Sontarans look like potatoes?
Me: Yes.
Sue: What about giant poos?
Me: Not so much.”
I did chuckle.
Just “what about giant poos?” by itself would fit on a mug or shirt.
Giant Poos? Not something that to my knowledge has EVER been said before in fan history.
Oh and Id never noticed Lynx not noticing the gun before. Cor she’s good that Sue
Yes it has. By Sue. Have a look at the entry for “Galaxy Four”…
Actually, Billie Piper was once on a chat show and was shown a photo of a Sontaran (or perhaps it was a fan in a mock-up costume, I don’t recall) and said that he looked like a poo. So it’s not just Sue.
My boyfriend said it, but he said it about some large insects that show up in a Tom Baker episode.
actually I’m pretty sure I’ve heard people say it about the Sontarans too. I think the reason they might not say it so often is cause they are bit of a different colour in other episodes.
There were several snort-out-loud moments for me in this one, though I think the most T-shirt-worthy (or mug-worthy) one was “That’s a shame; UNIT could do with a good shot.”
When I screened this one for the Ladies (Nu-View #1), they got more of a Monty Python vibe out of it, right from the get-go. Of course, they didn’t/don’t have as much Who experience as Sue now does, so… ~shrug~
After Linx, the Sontaran make-up is never made this well ever again. It *is* a classic design here, because the way the neck fills up every square inch of the collar, and the head is exactly the shape of the helmet underneath, completely sells the idea of Sontarans being genetic clones – rather than being born, they’re poured into their suits and left to set.
“…rather than being born, they’re poured into their suits and left to set.”
Absolutely brilliant. Now I’ll always think of them that way.
I’m getting the impression that Sue has graduated from a ‘not-we’ to an ‘almost-we’… if she can now but withstand the imminent extreme padding of ‘ZZZ’ (surely the most ironic production code in history)
Whereas the ‘YYY’ surely has to be one of the most apt…
Say what you will: I still love every minute of ZZZ. Even the acutely embarrassing ones.
Me too ZZZ is one of my favourites and has some really iconic moments in it.
Love your choice of photo at the top of this entry. For a nanosecond I thought it was that classic colour picture of the original Rentaghost line-up (Google for it folks) in which Mr Davenport (whom Pertwee closely resembles in this pic) harangues Mr Claypole. … OK, maybe it doesn’t!
My wife has always called the Sontarans the Poo Heads…
Agree with Sue (of course): great start and middle, but almost feels like we lost the ending – “Oh just blow the spaceship up” ploy.
Of course Sarah is good in this, sometimes she’s the best thing in the up-and-coming episodes. It’s a shame that until Tom Baker, she’s now reduced to generic assistant status.
Just one plea, don’t even think of mentioning Sooty and Sweep within the context of the next story….
Ah, always great to see more carpentry comments.
And “A nice four-part Robert Holmes; it’s a winner already.” Ahhhh. Hope she likes the next few years. Though as far as Robin Hood goes, this is Bob’s first of at least three goes at sticking the knife into the legend, so something about the heroic outlaw clearly got on his wick (maybe it’s the ex-policeman in him). And it’s not just Rubeish that’s funny – Irongron and Bloodaxe always make me laugh.
As did “Just stick your finger in his vent!” Almost as good as “You’re still living in the Middle Ages!” Though even that didn’t make me laugh as much as the “Pompous Twat” mug. Blimey. So many! How can I choose (other than a “Terry ****ing Nation”, obviously)? The other half already tells me we’ve got too many mugs…
For me, it’s never quite as good as the book I grew up with (and realised after many years is the only Doctor Who novel that describes an orgasm). As I wrote when I reviewed The Time Warrior, when I was a boy I couldn’t understand why there were no pictures of the exciting robot knight. Then I saw it, and wasn’t quite so excited as Sue. Nor about the big battle in Part Three. The best thing about the story, though, is Bob’s ruthless skewering of Pertwee’s Doctor: Linx simply is him, take two, stranded with an even more hirsute UNIT but both a more effective scientific advisor and a more competent spaceship mechanic in an hour and a half than the Doctor managed in four years. Ouch.
Orgasm???!!! Really???!!!! I hope it is Sarah Jane’s and not Pertwee’s!
‘Orgasm???!!! Really???!!!! I hope it is Sarah Jane’s and not Pertwee’s!’
Linx’s actually. ‘Sontar ha!’
Naturally, it’s in the chapter written by Bob Holmes himself…
Glad you spotted it – I knew it wasn’t just me
‘Glad you spotted it – I knew it wasn’t just me
‘
It’s a fantastic chapter that makes me wish that Holmes had written more prose, but he’s so adept at slipping things under the radar that it’s probably a good job that he didn’t. We’d be spending an awfully long time analyzing it all. His recipe for ‘kippers a la Dicks’ looks particularly dubious once I found out he was actually a strict vegetarian, and the name parrinium’s resemblance to the word ‘perineum’ looks less like a coincidence when you know of his love of words and you know that story XXX was the first one he had a hand in script editing…
Regarding “giant poo”, passim, “the lost moon of Poosh” suddenly taken on a newly Holmesian/Rabelaisian flavour…
Robert Holmes did write the novelisation of “The Two Doctors” (Target Book No 100!), though it’s been at least a couple of years since I read it, so I don’t know if it has many double-entendres.
I always think of that song as a Joan Jett song!
It’s definitely better as a Joan Jett song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls3eMeGR-sI
“Sarah Jane is nothing like Jo. She isn’t girly at all. She’s very resourceful and ballsy, and I like it. I just hope her character stays like this throughout the series.”
Contrary to one of the comments above, I actually think Sarah Jane is at her best in Season 11, a distinctively feisty character who is much more willing to stand up to the paternalistic third Doctor than Jo ever was and plays an active role in driving the story forwards. The chemistry is better with Tom, sure, but she feels to me much more like a “generic companion” in the Hinchcliffe-Holmes era than she did before.
Anyway, I’m very pleased Sue enjoyed this. It’s one of Holmes’ wittiest scripts, and Linx is a superb creation, brilliantly acted by Kevin Lindsay and one of my all-time favourite Who villains. Pertwee also seems to be enjoying himself more than he has for a long time, possibly both because of the script and the new Doctor-companion dynamic. Maybe he also enjoyed having a story with a period setting for once?
I’ll be interested to see what Sue makes of the next one, grossly underrated in my view. In the meantime, I’m glad to hear that she was never in Gary Glitter’s gang…
“Just stick your finger in his vent!” and “Giant poos.” Definite mug material. (I’m not much of a T-shirt collector, but I might buy a mug or two.)
BTW are you going straight on to “Invasion of the…” or will you do “Paradise of Death” first? After all, you’ve done non-TV stuff in the past, and it might be interesting to see how Sue reacts to a radio serial.
enjoyable read, though seeing that kiddyfiddlers gormless face peering out was not a good experience, mentioning him must of knocked at least a point off
Just to let you know that the mugs turned up today and they look great. I’m really pleased with them. So the shop is now open: http://www.cafepress.co.uk/wifeinspace
I love the cups/mugs! Especially the “Ian” one!
The mugs are stylish, but £9.50? You can get an official one from the BBC shop for £4.99.
Cafepress sets a minimum price, and the vendor has to set a price higher than that to make any money. Bespoke products generally are more expensive than mass-produced.
I first looked at the prices for CafePress quite a few years ago and remembered them being a lot cheaper than that. So I’ve just gone and had a look at the base price for the mugs. The section of the website that tells you those prices is on the .com, rather than the .co.uk, so gives the prices in USD, rather than GBP. But you can look at the prices of products in USD if you want.
Doing all of that revealed that the base price on the mug is $10.99, whereas they’re being sold for $12.99. That makes a mark-up of $2 or about £1.20, which seems eminently reasonable to me. On the other hand, converting the base price of $10.99 directly into GBP gets a price of about £7, making a mark-up of £2.50, which seems a little pricey to me. So I suppose it all depends on what the base price in the UK is, and how the site works out exchange rates.
The base price of a bespoke mug in the UK is 8.50. We won’t be retiring anytime soon.
Slit-scan – yay! Can’t pin down why I find full-length Doc so naff and head-and-shoulders Doc so stylish. Perhaps it’s the cape.
Puzzles me why they decided against title mugshots in Nu-Who. Speaking of mugshots, I was wallowing in nostalgia looking at the Target covers online the other day (used to have em all up to State of Decay). Did Colin have some sort of “don’t use my face” clause in his contract?
Time Warrior is one of my favourites, though I agree it deserved better than the “Leg It – Boom” ending. Sadly, for my melted piastre, it’s the highlight of a very weak season.
Since The Time Warrior was held over from the end of the previous production block (because it’s far more sensible to allocate the end-of-season budget to four episodes rather than stretch it out to six), it would have been the last story to be mode before Roger Delgado’s death, and everyone’s subsequent decisions to quit. Much more than the witty script, this would explain the abrupt and pronounced differences in tone and performance with the rest of the season.
That makes sense.
I’m still fond of what’s coming up but the neutrons weren’t really flowing were they?
It took Hinchcliffe and Holmes to reverse the polarity of Nation’s flow.
Very insightful; that had not occurred to me. However, recalling the location photos of cheery Barry Letts, Terrance Dicks and Jon Pertwee on location, it makes perfect sense. As does the (mis)aligment of production blocks and seasons; who else thinks if Doctor Who had continued commencing broadcast after Christmas, we might have had Shada completed, and lost The Leisure Hive?
I’m not saying that would have been a good thing (I actually love The Leisure Hive) …
Don’t think I’m allowed to comment on Shada anymore. It gets me into trouble…
Leisure Hive wasn’t a half bad story, once I got over the trauma of the titles and full maroon rig. Complete with those bloody irritating ?s on the collar.
I’m sure I’ll have quite a lot to say about The Leisure Hive once we actually get there, and chief amongst that will be why everyone who says Meglos is the season seventeen throwback of the season is wrong. The Leisure Hive is – swap it and Nightmare Of Eden around, and not only would both stories have turned out manifestly better, the stylistic shift between seasons would have been a lot less sudden as well.
I really can’t see any of the fabled Season 17 humerous style in Leisure Hive, whatsoever. Meglos seems to have the pace and style of the previous Season, although I must admit the impressive Scene Synch technology disguises it well.
“Humorous”
Bugger.
Not half as irritating as that ****ing question-mark jumper. It makes me want to hurt somebody!
Spoilers!!!!! I’m sure Sue will have lots to say about 1980′s fashion: let’s not ruin it for her
“Is that Colin’s doctor costume. Pet? They’re having a (insert expletive here) laff.”
“Oi Sylvester! Noel Edmonds is on the phone – he wants his crappy pullover back…”
“Has somebody put on the old testcard by mistake?”
For me, the brevity of Sue’s comments in this article portray what a good story it is and how impressed she is with it, overall.
Vast sense of freshness and originality exuding from this season opener.
Nice to see the original potato-head Sontaran. And Sarah Jane Smith’s entrance was excellent, never thought she was such spunky lady. The peculiar mix of Medieval times, an alien warrior from outer space, scientists with big computers, the Doctor and time travel added up to a smorgasbord of an episode.
re: Colin’s lack of face on the Target books.
I remember Lis Sladen telling me something about that. She and Colin were very wise about money. From what i recall, I think it was a case of Colin wanting more ( or indeed some) money for his image to be used…and so they did without him.
This is going back about 15 years so its a little hazy but I think thats about it. It makes sense. Id certainly want to be paid if my image was going to be on a book that would sell huge amounts
That’s right, pretty much spot on as far as I recall – Colin’s agent asked how much he’d get for the use of his client’s face on the books. Colin wasn’t that bothered – just curious. Target panicked and immediately demanded Skilleter re-airbrush Twin Dillema (already made, with that purplish portrait of smiling-Colin) and presumably he was made “wobbly” on the Androzani cover at the same time. All future depictions banned. Ruddy peculiar according to the Colin camp, who were merely enquiring! Turns out Col wouldn’t have asked for more money anyway (being huge Who fan, probably would’ve done it for nowt).
Maybe they were jumpy after the Davison artowrk fiasco….