Sue: I like this story already. We’re outside and we’re on Earth. That’s just the way I like it.
Sue immediately recognises the actress playing Jane Hampden.
Sue: Oh, it’s Polly whatsherface from The Liver Birds. We have the complete set, now.
Jane watches as a group of men in Civil War armour ride by on horseback.
Sue: Has she fallen through a hole in time? She seems to be handling it rather well if she has. Either that or the costume department have completely ****ed up and she’s supposed to be from the past.
Jane admonishes Sir George Hutchinson for his Cavalier attitude.
Me: Do you recognise him?
Sue: Yes. It’s Jason King.
Me: Jason King in Doctor Who? Don’t be daft. I’m not surprised you don’t recognise him with that wig on, though. It’s Denis Lill. He was in Survivors. He was the one who wasn’t Greg. He was also in Image of the Fendahl, but he didn’t have a lot of hair in that.
Sue: Is Doctor Who where all the old Survivors come to die?
She also recognises Glyn Houston. Well, sort of.
Sue: He’s dead famous, too. He’s been in loads of things. Including Doctor Who, I think. This story has a good guest cast.
Meanwhile, in the space-time vortex, the Doctor and Turlough are fiddling with the TARDIS.
Me: Have you noticed something missing from the TARDIS recently?
Sue: Erm… A hatstand?
Me: No, the hatstand is over there in the corner.
Sue: A nice chaise longue?
Me: No, it’s much more important than a chair. Come on, what’s missing from this scene?
Sue: I have absolutely no idea.
Tegan has somehow convinced the Doctor to take her to see her grandfather.
Sue: Don’t tell me: Tegan’s grandfather also gets killed by aliens? Tegan’s family is cursed. I’d give her relations a wide berth, if I were her. And why would she use a machine that can travel through time and space to visit someone she could have seen by taking a bus or a train in her own time? It’s a waste of the Doctor’s resources.
The Doctor and his companions explore a disused church.
Sue: I bet the altar is the Monk’s TARDIS. I’m right, aren’t I?
Me: Wait and see.
Tegan learns that her grandfather has gone missing (“Now there’s a surprise!”), which prompts her to run away. Alone and out of breath, she holds her handbag up to her face for comfort.
Sue: Eh? What is she doing? Does she like the smell of leather when she’s stressed out?
Sir George tells the Doctor that he must take part in the village’s war games.
Sue: It’s all gone a bit Wicker Man, now.
Meanwhile Tegan is confronted by a ghostly apparition.
Sue: Is the topless guy Tegan’s grandfather? I can see why she was in a hurry to visit him, now. He can’t have long left.
The Doctor chases a disfigured man through the village.
Sue: How did he get that far away so fast? Is the director on crack?
When the Doctor follows this man into a church, he is attacked by psychic forces.
Sue: Either this place is haunted or they have a really powerful stereo system. Which means it’s definitely the Monk.
A young man breaks through a stone wall. His name is Will Chandler.
Sue: Is he the new Adric? Does Tegan stay behind at the end of this story, and does the Doctor travel with two boys? That would be… different.
And then Sue has a brainwave.
Sue: I bet this boy is Tegan’s Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, and if he dies, she won’t exist. Am I close?
It turns out that Jane would have been the Queen of May if Tegan hadn’t turned up out of the blue like that.
Sue: So there’s only one woman in the whole village? How does that work, exactly?
The Doctor takes Will to a graveyard so he can prove to the boy that he’s traveled forward in time.
Sue: Forget the bloody gravestones, show him that massive electricity pylon in the background!
Willow makes Tegan put on a special dress.
Sue: That’s Tegan’s best outfit yet. She ought to keep that one.
Meanwhile the crack in the church wall opens even wider.
Sue: Ooh, I got a little shock, then.
We spy a large green eye before the screen is filled with dark, thick smoke, which the Doctor then proceeds to walk towards.
Sue: I can tell you one thing – this monster is rubbish. If it was any good, the cliffhanger wouldn’t have ended with the back of Peter Davison’s head.
The credits roll.
Sue: It’s atmospheric, which is nice, but this plot isn’t doing anything for me at all.
Sue isn’t impressed with the Malus.
Sue: It looks like something you’d see on a ghost train at a fun fair.
And when Doctor and Will are confronted by a ghostly Cavalier…
Sue: Now it’s turned into The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World.
Turlough is apprehended by a soldier on the village green.
Sue: This is getting a bit out of hand for a role-play game.
Me: I wonder what their safety word is…
Sir George admires the new-look Tegan.
Sue: He’s taking this game a bit too seriously, if you ask me. Can you imagine what he’d be like if he ever saw World of Warcraft? He’d never leave the house!
Turlough is locked up with Tegan’s grandfather.
Sue: That’s a nice doer-upper. In fact, this whole village is lovely. Apart from all the weirdoes, of course.
Wolsey has a change of heart and he arrives at the village green with a fake Tegan made from straw.
Sue: Here’s a much better idea: just don’t turn up at all!
The Doctor isn’t very happy when he returns to the TARDIS and discovers Tegan didn’t close the doors properly.
Sue: Don’t get me started on that!
Me: Are you sure there’s nothing missing from the TARDIS?
Sue: I don’t know. Is it his little porch? Has that gone?
Sue: I don’t know. What is it? I bet it’s some stupid detail on the TARDIS console that only a fan would notice.
Me: Forget it. It doesn’t matter.
A tiny Malus is growing on the TARDIS wall.
Sue: Just knock it down with a broom.
The Doctor defeats the Malus by pressing some buttons on the console.
Sue: What is it with Doctor Who and vomiting monsters? It’s a really gruesome trend.
Me: It could have been worse – it could have come out the other end.
Sir George is possessed by the Malus, but Will manages to overpower him and kill him.
Sue: He tripped over a fairground attraction. I’m pretty sure he could have survived that.
The Malus isn’t very happy.
Sue: So what? What’s he going to do about it? He just sits behind a wall and moans a lot. He’s not exactly in the same league as the Weeping Angels, is he?
Everybody races back to the TARDIS.
Sue: The villagers are taking the interior of the TARDIS in their stride. That place must be really ****ed up if this is normal for them.
Tegan is finally reunited with her grandfather.
Sue: Will he ask her if she was responsible for his daughter’s death, do you think?
The episode concludes with a long-winded conversation concerning tea.
Sue: There are only two episodes and yet they still had to pad it out. That is unforgivable. And how many ****ing companions has the Doctor got now?
Me: I don’t know. You tell me.
Sue: That was rushed. I liked the locations, the acting, and the sets, but the plot wasn’t good enough. It was hard to give a shit about any of the characters. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think it would have worked better as a four-parter. The direction wasn’t great, either.