Sue: Are we underwater this week?
Sue: Good. (Singing) Stingray! Stingray… Dudda-der-da-der-da-Stingray!
Me: Okay, settle down.
On a sea base in the year 2084…
Sue: Nice set. It’s huge! I like it when they build the set on two levels. There’s plenty of movement, too. Yes, it’s very nice indeed.
It isn’t long before we meet some old friends. Or is it enemies? I can’t keep up.
Sue: It’s the Ice Warriors!
Sue: I don’t know! They definitely look familiar, though. It’ll come to me eventually.
Meanwhile, on the TARDIS, the Doctor and Turlough are having a man-to-man chat.
Sue: I don’t like Peter Davison’s hair. It’s too short. There’s nothing to grab hold of.
The Doctor decides to give Tegan a taste of Earth’s future.
Sue: Why bother? She’ll only moan about it when she gets there. She’s just like you in that respect, Neil.
At the same time, the Silurians are preparing to defrost their relations.
Sue: Ah, yes, they’re Sea Devils. I remember them now.
Me: They are not Sea Devils!
Sue: Then what the **** are they?
Sue: Okay, calm down. They all blend into each other after a while. Have their third eyes always lit up like that when they talk?
Me: No, that’s new.
Sue: I thought so. Is it so we know who is talking? That’s clever.
Tensions are running high on the sea base.
Sue: Who designed their costumes? Was it Michael Jackson?
The base’s sync operator is a nervous man named Maddox.
Sue: He reminds me of a young Mark Gatiss.
Me: Are you insane?
Sue: It’s his lip. It’s uncanny.
A crew mate named Karina discusses Maddox’s inability to do his job properly.
Sue: This actress isn’t very good. This reminds me of one of those old stories from the ‘60s where you had lots of incomprehensible foreign accents on a base. I hope the Sea Devils kill her first.
The sea base’s medical officer, Solow, seems to be working in cahoots with an officer named Nilson.
Sue: It’s Greg!
Me: Yes. What would Greg do?
About five years ago, Sue and I watched every episode of the original 1970s series of Survivors. And we didn’t even blog about it. Yes, I know! Anyway, Sue became obsessed with Greg Preston, as played by Ian McCulloch. In fact, Greg was such a hero to Sue for a short while that whenever she was faced a difficult decision, she’d always ask me, “What would Greg do?”
Sue: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that Greg was in this. I’ve missed Greg.
However, when it comes to identifying Solow, she’s completely hopeless.
Sue: That’s Ingrid Pitt? The Ingrid Pitt? The one with the enormous tits?
Sue: Well, she’s not doing herself any favours in that outfit.
And speaking of outfits…
Sue: Why is Tegan walking around in a beach towel?
Maddox is hooked up to the Sea Base’s missile computer.
Sue: He needs this job like a hole in the head.
The Base is placed on Yellow Alert.
Sue: This isn’t the time for a quick game of Asteroids!
When the simulation comes to an end, Sue makes an important observation:
Sue: Manscara is rife in the future. I can’t believe Greg is wearing make-up! That can’t be right. No, that’s not right at all.
The Silurians continue to plot and scheme, but Sue can’t understand a word they’re saying.
Scibus: The temperature level inside is below the range of the sensors.
Sue: Yeah, and your voices are below the range of my hearing. Speak up!
When the TARDIS is shot down by a security satellite, it materialises on the sea base. As the Doctor and his companions explore their new surroundings, they stumble across a chemical store filled with canisters of hexachromite gas, which is lethal to marine and reptile life.
Sue: That gas will come in handy later. It’s just a hunch I have.
Maddox is taken to Solow’s psycho-surgery unit with a suspected nervous breakdown.
Sue: Isn’t a sync operator just a fancy name for a washer-upper? You know, like a hygiene technician is actually a cleaner.
Nilson wants to recondition Maddox so he asks the base’s commander, Vorshak, for the programming disc.
Sue: I like the guy who’s in charge. He has a very reassuring voice. He reminds me of Jean Luc Picard. I keep expecting him to say, “Make it so!”
Nilson is told to take care of the disc; if it falls into enemy hands, the consequences could be catastrophic.
Sue: What would Greg do? Well, he wouldn’t cake his face in girly make-up for a start, that’s for sure. Actually, he’d probably take the disc and make some soap out of it.
When Vorshak leaves them to it, Solow and Nilson programme Maddox to follow their commands.
Sue: At least they’re making an effort and they aren’t just hypnotising him like every other villain does. This actually looks complicated.
Turlough calls for a lift, but his actions trigger the sea base’s alarms. The Doctor chides his companion for being so stupid.
Sue: Sarcastic bastard. Why doesn’t he brief them on this kind of thing before they leave the TARDIS? He should put a quick PowerPoint together on what they should look out for. A little bit of risk assessment never did anybody any harm.
The Doctor creates a diversion by overloading the Sea Base’s nuclear reactor. After all, what possible harm could it do?
Sue: What the hell is he doing? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen the Doctor do! Has he lost his mind?
The Doctor is attacked by a security guard (quite right, too) and he ends up tumbling into a pool of water.
Sue: Ooh, that was good… I’ll give him an 8.5 for his technique, but I’ll have to knock some marks off for the splash.
Tegan wants to rescue the Doctor, but Turlough stops her.
Sue: WHAT? Is Turlough still trying to kill the Doctor? He’s only been in the water for a few seconds, and the Doctor can hold his breath for HOURS. Everybody knows that!
The credits roll.
Sue: Stupid cliffhanger. I’m sorry, but I haven’t a clue what anybody is up to. But it’s not bad, I suppose. The sets are very nice.
The Doctor falls into the pool again during the recap.
Sue: I still don’t buy this. He fell into some water. So what? Is it made from acid or something?
The Doctor, who is perfectly fine, swims to an underwater hatchway.
Sue: That was pretty good. That had a James Bond vibe to it.
Tegan and Turlough decide to return to the TARDIS.
Sue: They don’t look that upset given that the Doctor’s supposed to be dead. I’m surprised Tegan didn’t hang around to see if he regenerated or not. I also think Turlough just wants a time machine for himself. He’s very shady.
The Sea Devils begin to stir…
Me: Do you remember the Sea Devils, Sue?
Sue: Yes, I think so.
Me: They used to walk around in string vests. They’ve gone all leather, now.
Sue: Well, it’s the ‘80s, isn’t it? You can’t really blame them.
The Doctor makes it back to dry land.
Sue: This is a classic corridor story, isn’t it? They built some really nice corridors and now they’re going to use them. Relentlessly.
The Doctor begins to remove his wet clothing as we cut to a scene featuring a Sea Devil.
Sue: Hey! Don’t cut there! Go back!
The lead Sea Devil, Sauvix (which Sue mishears as Cervix), reports to the Silurians.
Sue: Oh yes, I remember this lot. They looked a lot better the first time round. Their shoulder pads are too extreme. Even Joan Collins wouldn’t be seen wearing that.
A sea base worker named Preston decides to search for the Doctor.
Sue: I like the base’s spiral staircase. It reminds me of the American Big Brother house. I bet she’s just come from the Head of Household room and decided to use the Power of Veto.
If you don’t watch the American Big Brother, trust me, that was quite funny. Anyway, Preston and her team walk straight into the TARDIS.
Sue: Oh, for ****’s sake! Lock the ****ing doors!
Meanwhile the Doctor arrives on the sea base’s bridge.
Sue: That costume does nothing for Peter Davison’s arse. Just saying.
A Silurian craft takes off from its hidden base.
Sue: I like their little submarine. It has the face of a dolphin. Actually, the design is rather good in this story. The sea base set is great.
Me: You don’t think it’s over-lit?
Sue: Not really. You want to see where you are going, don’t you? You don’t want to trip over anything when you’re at work.
Me: Have you been on a Health and Safety course, recently?
Sue: The only thing I don’t understand is why so few of the crew are wearing helmets. If any water came in, only the guards would survive.
Nilson and Solow are ready to activate Maddox.
Sue: If you loved me, Neil, you would have told me that it wasn’t really Greg, and that he just looked like him. This is ruining everything for me.
The Silurians unleash the dreaded Myrka. Yes, dreaded.
Sue: Why do I know that name? Have we seen the Myrka before?
Sue: Are you sure? I’ve definitely heard that name before. Are you absolutely sure we haven’t seen a Myrka before?
Me: Well, when we went to see Toby Hadoke’s Moths Ate My Doctor Who Scarf at Stockton-On-Tees Art Centre in 2008, and we were having a crafty cigarette outside the venue, we ended up talking about the Myrka to a complete nutter for 30 minutes.
Sue: Toby isn’t that much of a nutter, is he?
Me: No, this was a different nutter.
And then, after all that build-up, the Myrka finally puts in an appearance.
Sue: Oh dear.
At least there’s something to take her mind off it.
Sue: That door is even worse than the monster! Is it made from marshmallow?
The Myrka breaks through the bulkhead doors.
Sue: I’m surprised it didn’t eat its way through.
The credits roll.
Sue: That was terrible.
Me: You know who’s to blame, don’t you?
Sue: The writer? The special effects department? The producer?
Me: Margaret Thatcher.
Sue: Why? Is the monster supposed to be a metaphor for Thatcher? I don’t get it.
I explain how Thatcher’s decision to call a snap election in 1983 forced Warriors of the Deep to be rushed into production, with regrettable consequences.
Sue: Add it to her list of crimes, the bitch.
Sue: This hasn’t improved any since yesterday.
Me: This story’s nickname is Warriors on the Cheap.
Sue: I’m not surprised. I don’t understand why they need this stupid Myrka thing. They’ve already got the Silurians and the Sea Devils. How many monsters do you need?
The Myrka menaces the Doctor and Tegan.
Sue: What’s it waiting for, exactly? Is it having a little dance?
The Doctor throws an ammunition magazine at the Myrka and the resultant blast blinds the beast.
Sue: They should have blinded the audience. That would have been more merciful.
Turlough storms the bridge.
Sue: I love Turlough. He always gives it 100 per cent. He’s great. I don’t care if he turns out to be a bad guy, I just like having him around.
Sadly, the harsh lighting is showing up even more flaws than usual.
Sue: Does Greg have a bald patch? I wish you hadn’t shown me this, Neil. I wanted to remember Greg as he was, in his rugged jumper and blue parka, not as a Michael Jackson impersonator with bad hair. I hate you, Neil.
It’s fair to say Sue finds it a struggle to say anything positive about Warriors of the Deep.
Sue: At least the music isn’t medieval. Will that do?
The Sea Devils enter the base.
Sue: It’s just like the opening to Star Wars, but with really slow turtles instead of stormtroopers.
The Sea Devils’ helmets are a cause for concern, too.
Sue: They look like samurai turtles, which means there was obviously a copyright issue and they couldn’t dress them as ninjas.
Nilson and Solow decide to use the Sea Devils as a distraction.
Sue: Greg is just a few short steps away from wearing as much eye make-up as Ingrid Pitt. Actually, that’s not entirely fair. Everybody was at it in 1984. I was a hairdresser when this went out and people came into the shop with zig-zag make-up on all the time.
Me: Did anyone ever ask you for a haircut like Ingrid Pitt’s?
Sue: Funnily enough, they didn’t. And I would have been fired if I’d agreed to try. There isn’t enough hairspray in the world. No wonder the ozone layer is ****ed.
Ingrid takes on the Myrka single-footed.
Sue: Ingrid Pitt’s shit. I’ve seen episodes of Mystery Theatre Science 2000 (sic) with better special effects than this.
Me: Have you never seen Rentaghost?
Sue: No. Why?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Let’s not make things worse.
The Sea Devils attack.
Sue: The Sea Devils are using those little fans that menopausal woman carry around with them.
The Myrka attacks the Doctor and Tegan.
Sue: Look at it dragging its fat arse around that corner. It’s pathetic. And why are all the aliens moving at a snail’s pace?
Me: You’re right, there should have been a quicker way.
Sue: I’ve just noticed the crew have triangular zip compartments on the back of their suits. How is that pouch useful, exactly? If you tried to put your pen in there, you’d end up breaking your arm. It’s ridiculous!
Nilson and the Doctor engage in some fisticuffs, but Nilson gets the upper hand and drags Tegan away at gunpoint.
Sue: Never mess with Greg, even if he is wearing eye shadow.
Tegan pushes Nilson into the dead Myrka.
Sue: He’s got green paint on his jacket now.
Me: Are you sure? Maybe it’s slime.
Sue: It’s ****ing paint! Look!
The Doctor disorientates Nilson with a blast of ultraviolet light. Nilson wanders blindly into some Sea Devils, and they shoot him.
Sue: Why are they shooting at Greg? He works for them, doesn’t he?
Me: Haven’t you been paying attention? He doesn’t work for the aliens, he works for the other side!
Sue: What other side?
Me: I don’t know! China, maybe?
Sue: China! What the hell are you talking about?
Me: It’s not specified in the script. It’s described as another power bloc. It would have been the Russians in 1984, but it could be the Taliban in 2084 for all I know.
Sue: The Taliban wouldn’t let you wear eye shadow like that.
Me: Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. Greg’s dead.
Sue: WHAT? So he didn’t make it to the final episode?
Sue: The lucky bastard.
As the Doctor is about to be shot by a Sea Devil, he wonders if they’ve met before.
Sue: I don’t want to appear racist, but how can he possibly tell? They all look the same to me.
Turlough has been locked in a bedroom.
Sue: I’ve just noticed the crew beds are covered in bubble wrap. How do they get any sleep? They must be popping all night.
As the Silurians and Sea Devils gain control of the bridge, Sue notices the Sea Devil with the lopsided head. Of course she bloody does.
Sue: Is that Sea Devil in the background having a nap? It must be tiring work, I suppose, killing humans.
Tegan wants to rescue the Doctor but Turlough would rather save his own skin.
Sue: I really like Turlough. He’s got hidden depths to him. There’s still a lot to learn about this character. He’s fascinating, if you ask me. And he’s played by a great actor, too, which definitely helps. I don’t know why he didn’t keep it up.
The Silurians hope to trigger a nuclear war between two human power blocs.
Sue: Isn’t that what Greg wanted to do? They should have joined forces. They could have saved themselves a lot of time and effort.
The Doctor begs the Silurian leader to reconsider.
Sue: I wish the Doctor would change out of his plastic sack. Are his proper clothes drying somewhere in the base? I hope his jumper hasn’t shrunk.
A Sea Devil accidentally kills itself when it ruptures a canister of hexachromite gas.
Sue: The direction is appalling. Everything is flat. It feels very old-fashioned and claustrophobic. I want to see a big battle outside, in the sea. But that’s not going to happen, is it?
The Doctor is faced with a moral dilemma.
Sue: Just kill them. There’s only a handful of them left, and there are billions of people on Earth. It’s hardly a dilemma, is it?
Ichtar proclaims that everything will be over soon.
Me: Thank God for that.
Sue: Actually, I’m enjoying the last episode. The concept isn’t that bad. I just wish it had some atmosphere.
When the missile run commences, the base’s lighting is suddenly subdued.
Sue: This is how they should have lit this story from the very beginning. It’s a million times better already. You can hardly see a thing.
Vorshak refuses to be held responsible for the destruction of his own people.
Sue: He’s not a great actor, is he? He should sound more desperate than that. He sounds like he’s reciting his shopping list. And you’d expect him to put up more of a fight, surely? He had his hand out ready to do the deed long before the Sea Devil forced him into it. That was lazy direction and bad acting. A fatal combination.
Tegan revives a Silurian, but as soon as her back is turned, he tries to murder her.
Sue: There you go, kids. Remember never help your enemy – they’ll just shoot you in the back.
The Doctor tries to stop the launch.
Sue: I need something visual in order to follow this. It’s not enough for me to just stare into Peter Davison’s dreamy eyes… Actually, forget I said anything.
The Doctor stops the missiles in the nick of time, although it clearly took a great deal of effort.
Sue: Finally, some decent eye make-up.
Unfortunately, all the supporting cast are dead. There should have been another way.
Sue: The Doctor is genuinely upset. I think he might have a little cry. Bless him.
Me: I have a confession to make.
Sue: Don’t tell me there’s a special edition with a CGI Myrka.
Me: No. I stopped watching Doctor Who after Warriors of the Deep Part Three.
Me: For four years.
Sue: You’d have been, what, 14? It’s understandable, I suppose. Hormones. Girls…
Me: The Myrka.
Sue: You should have stayed for Part Four. You never know, you might have changed your mind.
Sue: The two episodes in the middle were dreadful, but it pulled itself together for the last episode. I thought some of the concepts were pretty good, but there were far too many monsters, not enough variety in the locations, and the direction was poor. Peter Davison was very, very good, though. Even if he did look like a sack of potatoes.