Sue: Ooh, we like Peter Grimwade, don’t we?
Me: Yes, he’s a very good director.
Me: But he didn’t direct this.
Sue: Oh. At least we’re on location. That’s good. This is a very impressive quarry, actually.
Two men are traipsing up a mountain in their pants.
Sue: Blimey, he’s got a big packet…. Oh, no! It’s Rodney Bewes again! In a wig!
Me: Don’t worry, it’s not Rodney Bewes.
Sue: It’s not Eric from the Bay City Rollers, is it? Nothing would surprise me any more.
Two men named Timanov and Malkon are discussing their god, Logar.
Sue: This definitely isn’t filmed in Wales. Where are we? This is gorgeous.
Timanov: For our people to survive we must have faith, and never more so than at this moment.
Sue: Is that Jason King?
Me: Yes, it’s Peter Wyngarde.
Sue: He’s gone a bit overboard with the eyeshadow.
Me: Do you like Peter Wyngarde?
Sue: I liked him as Jason King.
I wonder if she’d still like Peter Wyngarde if she ever heard this:
(WARNING! DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. SERIOUSLY, I REALLY ****ING MEAN IT!)
Sue: Where the hell are we anyway? It’s not Jersey, is it?
On the TARDIS, the Doctor is still het up about the Daleks.
Turlough: Doctor, you’re becoming obsessed.
The Doctor: Yes, obsessed and depressed.
Sue: That sounds like somebody who isn’t sitting a million miles away from me right now. Don’t worry, love, it’ll all be over soon.
A plaintive electronic scream pierces the air.
Sue: What the…?
Sue: What the…?
Me: That’s what’s been missing from the TARDIS all this time.
Sue: Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about him. So where has he been? Has he been charging his battery for the last six weeks? And I thought my iPhone was bad.
The TARDIS intercepts a distress signal from Trion and Turlough sabotages the ship.
Sue: Eh? Has Turlough gone bad again? Is the Black Guardian in this?
Meanwhile, on Lanzarote.
Sue: It’s… it’s… it’s….
Sue is pointing excitedly at Nicola Bryant.
Sue: It’s Nev Fountain’s girlfriend!
Me: Yes, it’s Nicola Bryant.
Sue: I’m not going to say anything about her American accent because I know it’s not real. I know this because I’ve met her. She was lovely. Derren Brown set the meeting up as a prank, I think.
Peri is arguing with her stepfather, Howard.
Sue: I can tell you something, though. Her American accent is definitely better than his.
Peri wants to travel the world.
Sue: She’s very beautiful. Having said that, there’s plenty of eye-candy for the mums as well. Howard can’t act for toffee but he’s very easy on the eye.
Me: Howard can’t act for cawfee.
Peri handles a strange, alien object.
Sue: That’s a bit phallic.
Me: Do you think?
Meanwhile, on the planet Sarn.
Sue: This is a strange Nativity play. There’s too many shepherds. The actor playing the Chosen One is terrible, but I bet his parents are still very proud of him.
The Doctor and Turlough arrive on Lanzarote. The real Lanzarote. No, not Sarn. Yes, I had to explain this to Sue as well.
Sue: Ooh, I’ve just noticed that the Doctor is wearing an embroidered waistcoat. I’m sorry but I’m too distracted by this location to pick up on the usual details. I may as well be watching Wish You Were Here with Judith Chalmers.
But when Sue finally notices Peter’s wardrobe, she really notices it:
Sue: The Doctor’s shirt would be a bugger to wash. If the green and the red inside his collar were to run, it would be a nightmare.
Peri has been stranded on her stepfather’s yacht, so she decides to take drastic action.
Sue: Oh, hello.
I pause the DVD. And no, it’s not a Pavlovian instinct.
Me: I’ve been dying to tell you this for years, and now it will finally make sense. The thing is, I was the first person to tell the internet that Nev and Nicola were going out with each other.
Sue: Are you the sci-fi version of Hello or something?
Me: I wrote: “Nev will never have to watch Planet of Fire ever again”.
I hit the Play button.
Peri is drowning and Turlough notices her plight on the TARDIS scanner. He zooms in for a better view.
Sue: Yeah, go on, Turlough, get your lens right in there, you perv.
Bizarrely, Turlough isn’t thrilled by this distraction.
Sue: Turlough can be very selfish. I like that about him, though. It makes him more realistic.
Turlough reluctantly decides to rescue Peri.
Sue: He’s left the ****ing door open again.
Turlough strips down to his pants and he saves Peri’s life.
Sue: So she jumped into the sea but she can’t swim? Was that wise? Peri’s not going to be completely thick, is she?
The Doctor is sitting in a bar when his detector beeps. He puts a handful of alien tokens on the table and runs off.
Sue: That reminds me of my favourite joke. An alien walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve aliens, you’re not welcome here”. So the alien says, “Can I stay if I buy a round of drinks for everyone?”. The bartender eventually agrees, and when he’s finished serving all the drinks, he turns to the alien and says, “That will be £345, please.” And the alien says, “Have you got change for a zonk?”
Me: You’re very easily pleased.
Sue: That’s why I married you, love.
Turlough carries a dripping wet, semi-naked Peri into his bedroom.
Sue: Be honest, Neil. Is this your favourite episode of all time?
Me: Yes, Kamelion really gives me the horn.
Turlough looks through Peri’s belongings and he pulls out a Trion artefact.
Sue: Turlough’s thinking to himself, “Jesus Christ! What is she planning to do with this?”
Peri: I needed the money!
Sue: ****ing hell!
Turlough tries – and fails – to hide the object from the Doctor.
Sue: Will we finally learn about Turlough’s past in this story? I hope it’s good. They’ve dragged it out longer than Lost.
Peri is having a nightmare.
Peri: Howard. I didn’t mean it. No, Howard. Please don’t leave me alone. Don’t, don’t turn out the light!
Sue: Right, so she’s been sexually abused by her stepfather. Is that for kids? Is it?
Kamelion transforms himself into Howard the sex-pest. But as the episode concludes he suddenly transforms into…
Sue: The Master. What a surprise.
She doesn’t sound surprised.
The credits roll.
Sue: There’s a lot going on, I’ll give it that. It definitely isn’t boring. The locations are very nice.
Sue: The Master has Gary Glitter eyes.
Sue: He does that thing with his eyes that Gary Glitter does. You know, that faked look of surprise he does where he knocks his head back and raises his eyebrows. Just saying.
Kamelion-Master drags Peri onto the surface of Sarn but some falling masonry knocks him out cold.
Sue: Well that’s the Master dead, then. He couldn’t possibly survive a crack on the head like that.
Me: It isn’t the Master, it’s a robot!
Sue: Oh yeah, it’s not the Master. Sorry, I forgot. It’s complicated, this.
The Doctor questions Turlough about his past.
The Doctor: Why have you never mentioned your home planet before?
Me: Never mind that, why have you never asked him about it before?
Sue: I’ve told you, Neil. They’re men. Men never talk to each other. It’s sad, really.
The location continues to impress the wife.
Sue: They should film every episode of Doctor Who abroad. It looks amazing. The BBC should have done the whole series as an off-shore tax-break thing.
Peri reveals her full name.
Sue: What kind of name is Perpugilliam? And shouldn’t her nickname be Perp? Why can’t the Doctor travel with people with normal names? When was the last time he travelled with a companion who had a normal name?
Me: That’d be Sarah Jane.
Sue: Bloody hell. He really needs to travel with a Bob or a Sharon.
Sue can’t get a handle on the real Master’s plan.
Sue: Why is he going to all this trouble? Why doesn’t he just walk out of his TARDIS and do this himself? This robot is a lot more trouble than it’s worth.
Me: You took the words right out of JNT’s mouth. Keep watching, this will all make sense eventually. Well, sort of…
Kamelion is struggling to maintain control of his form.
Sue: He can’t stand the confusion in his mind.
Sue thinks she recognises Barbara Shelley, which I find very hard to believe given her aversion to the horror genre, but we can both agree on one thing:
Sue: She’s got a lovely voice.
Kamelion-Master follows Peri.
Kamelion-Master: I am the Master!
Peri: So what?
Sue: Ha! That’s brilliant.
Timanov hikes to the top of the volcano. He sits down, exhausted and panting.
Sue: Is he having a poo?
Peri slides down the volcano.
Sue: At least they found a decent slope for her. I feel sorry for Peri. She just wants to go Eurorailing.
Timanov mistakes Kamelion-Master for an Outsider sent by Logar.
Timanov: I’ve been struggling to keep the faith.
Sue: I bloody love Bon Jovi.
Me: I know.
Kamelion-Master is welcomed by Timanov.
Sue: He’s really fallen on his feet. He didn’t have to come with any bullshit to convince them to follow him. How easy was that?
In the Hall of Fire, the Doctor tries to stop a volcano from erupting.
Sue: The person who did the make-up for this story wants shooting. Peter Davison is caked in mascara. This is not a good look for him.
But this is a small niggle.
Sue: The direction is good, the locations are good, the plot is keeping me interested and Turlough is running around in his shorts. What’s not to like?
Turlough and Malkon compare scars.
Sue: Are they brothers? I bet they’re brothers. At least Turlough’s mysterious past is starting to make sense, now.
The Doctor and the Kamelion-Master meet.
The Doctor: Oh no.
Sue: Can he not just get rid of the Master once and for all? He must be doing his head in by now. He’s definitely doing mine in.
The episode concludes with a good old ritual sacrifice.
Sue: That was a good cliffhanger. I’m really enjoying this.
Sue: Turlough has very nice legs. He should have worn his shorts in every story. But not the yellow socks. No man should ever wear yellow socks.
Before Malkon can intervene in the sacrifice, he is shot down by a laser beam.
Malkon: Warn the Doctor. Kamelion is the Master.
Sue: Hey! The Doctor just threw a blanket over his face when he mentioned the Master.
Me: I know how he feels.
The Master’s connection to Kamelion is broken and Kamelion-Master transforms itself into Kamelion-Howard.
Sue: Why not change back into his normal robotic state? Wouldn’t that make more sense?
Timanov can’t believe his eyes.
Sue: Why are they walking around with giant hat pins?
Turlough confirms Sue’s suspicions – he is Malkon’s brother.
Sue: I expected the EastEnders drums to kick in for a second. It’s not very good casting, is it? They look nothing like each other.
The Master takes control of Kamelion again. Timanov is told to follow him, but there’s a condition:
Timanov: Where are the gifts? The Outsider always brings gifts from Logar.
Sue: He’s just in it for the presents. He may as well be praying to Father Christmas.
Turlough shows his mark of Trion to the Doctor.
Turlough: You have to be very special to wear the Misos Triangle.
Me: (Singing Barry Manilow) “The Misos Triangle, try to see it from my angle…”. Sorry.
Sue: Turlough’s emblem reminds me of the Superman logo. Turlough should make himself a superhero costume out of lyrca with that logo on his chest. He’s got the legs for spandex.
Peri enters the Master’s TARDIS.
Sue: So the Master owns a black iPod and the Doctor owns a white iPod. I get it.
Kamelion-Master and Peri carry a large black box into the console room.
Sue: If I were Peri, I’d go with the Master. I’m sure he’d show her a good time. If he stopped trying to take over the universe, I bet he could be a right laugh.
The Doctor and a native of Sarn named Amyand use the TARDIS databanks to identify who Logar is.
Sue: I hope the Doctor isn’t auditioning for new companions. This one is rubbish. It’s obvious that Turlough is going to leave at the end of this one, which is a shame because I don’t want him to go, but you can’t replace him with this plank of wood, even if he does have a massive packet.
Peri and Kamelion-Master enter the heart of the volcano.
Sue: It’s not You Only Live Twice, but it’ll do.
The Master demonstrates the power of his tissue compression eliminator on some thermal suits.
Sue: You can do that to a T-shirt with nothing more than a washing machine, Neil. And why is it called an eliminator anyway? It hasn’t eliminated anything, it’s just made it smaller. He should call it his sonic shrinker.
Turlough uses his power as the Chosen One to command Timanov.
Timanov: We will be guided by you, Chosen One.
Sue: (As Timanov) But only if you’ve brought me a gift. I’m not doing anything unless there’s a gift in it.
Sarn appears to be tearing itself apart so Turlough herds Sarn’s elders into the TARDIS.
Sue: I hope there’s plenty of toilets on the TARDIS. This lot will be crossing their legs any minute now.
Timanov remembers the first time he saw Logar…
Sue: He’s very good. I think Jason King would be a better Master than the Master.
When the volcano erupts with numismaton gas, Timanov is overjoyed.
Timanov: There’ll be a gathering. We must go to our people.
Sue: (As Timanov) Have you all written your wish lists for Logar?
The Doctor warns Turlough that if he’s holding anything back from him, their friendship will be at an end.
Sue: He hasn’t been this stern with Turlough since he found out he was trying to kill him for three weeks.
Peri overcomes Kamelion and she rushes inside the Master’s TARDIS.
Sue: Good girl. She’s got potential. Shame about the Benny Hill music, though.
The cliffhanger is a complete surprise. Yes, the Master is a man in a box.
Sue: What the ****?
The Master: You will obey me or die!
Sue: He’s not exactly in a position to make any threats, is he? Just step on him!
The credits roll.
Sue: I’m suddenly interested again. I thought it was running out of steam but that’s a great twist.
The Doctor steps into the numismaton gas.
Sue: Does this mean he’s topped himself up and he won’t have to regenerate for ages? I’m joking. I know he dies in the next one.
Me: As far as Big Finish are concerned, the Fifth Doctor has hundreds of years worth of adventures between this story and the next. So maybe you’re right.
Sue: They should turn this planet into a spa. They’d make a fortune.
The tiny Master falls out of his box.
Sue: What I don’t understand is this: why isn’t he dead? Tegan’s aunt didn’t run around like this when he shrank her.
Turlough’s own people exiled to a public school on Earth.
Sue: What a bizarre punishment. So it had absolutely nothing to do with the Black Guardian? That’s disappointing.
The Doctor, Peri and Amyand trek through the barren landscape of Sarn.
Sue: They are getting the most out of this location. I can’t blame them. It’s brilliant. I just wish they’d get back to the plot.
Turlough sends a distress call to his own people.
Sue: He’s pressing the buttons from an old telephone box. Is he going to reverse the charges?
We learn that Turlough’s first name is.
Sue: Vislor? No wonder he never uses it.
Kamelion begs the Doctor to kill him. The Doctor obliges.
Sue: He didn’t have to think about it very much. What a waste of time.
The Master uses the numismaton gas to restore himself to his normal size.
Sue: Just shrink him again! Shrink him, put him in his box, and then bury that box in the sand. Simple.
But something has gone wrong. The Master begs the Doctor to help him. The Doctor stands back.
Sue: Oh, he’s actually going to let him die. I’m shocked.
The Master is consumed by the fire. And no, Sue doesn’t pick up on the “your own…?” reference.
Sue: So is that it? Is the Master really, really dead? For good this time?
Me: Looks that way.
Sue: So I can’t ask “Is it the Master?” ever again?
Me: Well, I can’t stop you.
Sue: I can’t believe they finally killed him off. I’m relieved, actually.
The Doctor is cut up about it.
Sue: Peter Davsion does that emotion really well. That’s his trademark.
Turlough leaves the TARDIS crew.
Sue: Turlough has been the most interesting companion in the series so far. I’ll really miss him.
And Peri joins.
Sue: She was alright. It’s very early days, but at least she’s proactive and she isn’t a screamer.
Me: Well, Nev said…
Sue: I wouldn’t finish that sentence if I were you, Neil.
Sue: I enjoyed that. The locations were great and it was one of the better Master stories, although I’m glad to see the back of him. Yeah, I’ll give that a very respectable: