First of all, sorry about the delay to this blog. I trapped a nerve in my neck, which is a lot more painful than it sounds, believe me. Also, do you remember how Nicol promised to watch this episode with us? Well, she buggered off to Norwich instead, which is almost as bad as going to Ipswich. Kids today, eh?
Anyway, after a fairly lengthy recap, the Doctor thwarts last week’s cliffhanger by taking on the mantle of an angry parent. He’s especially relieved when “Go to your room!” don’t turn out to be his last words.
Sue: Those wouldn’t have been his last words. His last words would have been “Are you my mummy?” Sorry, but it’s true.
Cue titles.
Me: That tactic never worked with Nicol. You had to threaten to take the plug off her telly if you caught her being naughty.
Sue: The Doctor’s solution makes sense, I suppose. But it’s still a massive anti-climax. I would have cut from the recap to the title sequence. That way they could have used the cliffhanger twice. And The Doctor Dances is a stupid title.
Me: Tell me about it.
Sue: The Dancing Doctor would have been much better.
Me: ????
The Doctor doesn’t like the fact that Jack is packing a ray gun.
Sue: Says the man who blows up planets. Not including the planets he just thinks he’s blown up. He can be such a hypocrite, sometimes.
Me: Yeah, what about that time he shot an Ogron in the face?
Sue: Yeah, exactly. Whatever that means.
The Doctor locates the room where the authorities took Jamie after they recovered him from the crash site. A tape recorder has documented the boy’s plaintive cries for his mummy.
Sue: This is so sad. I’m filling up already. I think my mothering instinct has kicked in.
Nancy is apprehended when she tries to leave the house she’s broken into. But Nancy knows that Fat Hev’s husband has been playing away from home with the local butcher, so she blackmails her way to freedom.
Sue: So he’s the one who’s been getting an extra portion of meat, then? Ha! Are you sure Russell didn’t write this episode?
The Empty Child is still crying for his mummy, even though the tape ran out ages ago.
Sue: I don’t think Doctor Who has ever been scarier than this. It’s because it’s a child. That’s what makes it so terrifying – you want to cuddle him, even though you want to run away from him.
The Doctor replaced Jack’s gun with a banana when he wasn’t looking.
Sue: If Russell T Davies had written this episode, he would have replaced it with a cucumber.
Sue laughs her head off when the Doctor and Jack compare their sonic devices.
Sue: They work so well together. And the script is hilarious; it’s practically a sitcom at this point.
Jack teleports back to his ship and the Doctor and Rose are left to discuss the finer points of dancing.
Sue: Dancing is a euphemism for sex, isn’t it? They aren’t even trying to hide it. Basically, the title of this episode – in the Moff’s head at least – is The Doctor Shags. And by Shag, I don’t mean the stupid dance craze.
Captain Jack’s ship is full of nanogenes.
Sue: It’s the same fairy dust we see when the Doctor regenerates. It’s exactly the same thing. So what’s Captain Jack doing with it? And why is he allowed to travel in time? And why has he got a gun that’s more impressive than the sonic screwdriver? Who the hell does he think he is?
Me: Yeah, the next thing you know, he’ll have his own show. And that would be silly.
Captain Jack can’t remember two years of his life.
Sue: Wait until you get to my age, pet. I’m losing track of decades.
Me: They’ve never did explain what happened to Jack during those two years. Ten years later and we’re still none the wiser.
Sue: Maybe no one cares. And if someone does care, then maybe they should write it. Fifty Shades of Grey started off as fan fiction, you know. Come on, Neil, this could be our ticket out of here. How hard can it be to write some porn featuring Captain Jack? It’s probably harder to write something with Captain Jack in it that isn’t porn.
Nancy is locked in a shed with a soldier who is on the verge of becoming an Empty Child.
Sue: Michael McIntyre is shitting himself.
It isn’t long before the soldier can’t even remember his own name.
Sue: This will probably go to his head, but the Moff is a ****ing genius. Nicol’s definitely missing out tonight. I’m going to make her watch it when she comes home. I won’t blog it, though. Blogging good television like this would be a complete and utter waste of time, wouldn’t it, Neil? I mean, what do you want me to say about this, exactly? It’s brilliant! All of it!
The Doctor tells Rose that humanity will eventually venture to the stars, where they dance like rabbits.
Sue: Quick question: why doesn’t the Doctor use his paper thingy to get past those guards? Surely it would be a lot quicker than waiting for Jack to tempt them away with a quick blow job.
Captain Jack’s greed has condemned Earth to a bizarre and stupid death.
Sue: Send the Captain to his room. He’s been a very naughty boy. And take the plug of his telly, too. Not that it will make any difference, because he can Rom-Com.
Me: You mean Om-Com.
Sue: I know what I mean, Neil.
It turns out that Nancy isn’t Jamie’s sister, after all. She’s his mummy.
Sue: If she hadn’t given up acting, she’d probably be a regular on EastEnders now. Even the plot is a classic EastEnders plot (they’ve done it at least twice), so this role would have ideal practice.
When Nancy hugs her son, Sue’s bottom lip begins to quiver. Thankfully, I’m too busy tutting at the magic pixie dust to join her.
Sue: I don’t know why the Doctor doesn’t carry a jar of Tinkerbell dust around with him wherever he goes. He could do this at the end of every episode. Actually, forget I said that. That would be shit.
Jack straddles a German bomb before it can ruin the happy ending.
Sue: Nope, this isn’t phallic at all.
Me: Look, Sue, the words ‘Bad Wolf’ have been stenciled on the bomb – in German. Oops, too late, you missed it.
Sue: How the **** is Rose supposed to notice something like that in the middle of something like this? She doesn’t half pick her moments.
Just this once, everybody lives.
Sue: Aww, that’s nice. I’ve never seen the Doctor look so happy, God love him.
Jack has saved the day, but he’s condemned himself to an explosive death in the process.
Sue: It’s okay, he’s invincible.
Me: No, he isn’t. That happens later.
Sue: Oh yeah… that’s right. Maybe that’s why Captain Jack is so cool in this story – it’s because he’s still vulnerable. He’s never this cool again. He’s far too cocky when he can’t die.
The Doctor suddenly remembers how to dance. “I can dance! I can dance!” he declares, gleefully.
Sue: Er… He could have fooled me. In fact, he’s so bad, he makes Neil look like John Travolta.
The episode concludes with what looks like the beginnings of a dance-off.
Sue: Your fan fiction could start here, Neil. What are you waiting for?
The Score
Sue: Guess.
Me: (In my best Len Goodman voice) SEVEN!?
Sue: Don’t be stupid.
10/10
Sue: What can I say? It was perfect. The script was hilarious and terrifying at the same time (the whole thing was ridiculously clever), the direction was incredible, the period setting was perfect, and the actors were fantastic. Even John Barrowman. The Moff went for it, didn’t he? He probably thought he’d never get a chance to write for Doctor Who again so he just ****ing went for it. You can tell.