The Doctor rescues Rose from the Daleks by audaciously materialising his TARDIS around her.
Sue: That was impressive. I can’t imagine one of the older Doctors trying something like that. He would have ended up in Aztec land or something.
It’s a setback for the Daleks, but a booming voice tells them to be patient.
Sue: Are you sure that isn’t Davros? Who else can it be?
Me: Well, you’ve definitely seen the character before –
Sue: Is it the Dalek that was touched up by Rose in Rob Shearman’s episode?
Me: No. He – it – appeared in the classic series.
Sue: So it’s Davros then.
The Doctor doesn’t understand. The Daleks were wiped out. He was there. He saw it happen. He made it happen.
Sue: This makes sense, I suppose, because it didn’t really happen; he just thinks it happened. In fact, it would make less sense if there weren’t any Daleks roaming around the galaxy. You know, because it never actually happened.
The Oncoming Storm strolls onto the Dalek mothership.
Me: That’s a reference to the Virgin New Adventures, love.
Sue: For the last time, Neil, you’re not reading them to me in bed.
The Emperor has been turning failed game show contestants into Daleks.
Me: Do you recognise him, Sue? He appeared in a Patrick Troughton story called The Evil of the Daleks.
Sue: (Rolling her eyes) Not really, no. Anyway, I thought Davros was in charge of the Daleks.
Me: Don’t you remember the Dalek civil war in the classic series?
Me: You don’t, do you? In fact, do you remember anything from the classic series?
Sue: Yes, I remember Davros.
According to the Emperor, the Dalek race was wiped out (thanks to the Doctor), but his ship survived and fell through a whole in time.
Sue: Hang on a minute. So did that happen or not? I’m more confused than ever now. How could that Dalek escape from something that never actually happened? That doesn’t make any sense.
The Daleks don’t like being reminded that they’re half-human. “Blasphemy! Blasphemy!” they all cry in unison.
Me: And that’s a reference to the 1996 TV Movie.
Sue: These Daleks remind me of Isis, or whatever it is they’re calling themselves this week. I bet they’ve got suicide Daleks and everything.
The Doctor returns to his TARDIS with a cheery smile, although it turns out that he’s just putting on a brave face.
Sue: He’s thinking to himself, “Not these ****ers again. Why does it always have to be these ****ers?”
The Dalek fleet converges on Satellite Five.
Sue: Doesn’t this look amazing, Neil? I’m really pleased this series ended with the Daleks. It wouldn’t have been the same without them.
Me: There was a time when this episode was filled with silver balls instead. Remember?
Sue: The Yeti? I don’t see how that would have worked.
Me: No! The Toclafane!
Sue: Okay, keep your hair on. What’s left of it. You’re talking about the balls that Rob Shearman was forced to use. Yes, I remember. Which means we’ve wasted loads of time talking about something that didn’t actually happen.
Me: Just like the Doctor and The Time War.
Lynda (with a Y) promises to do her best against the Daleks.
Sue: Aww, that was sweet. She is so dead.
Captain Jack bids farewell to Rose and the Doctor the only way he knows how – by snogging both their faces off.
Sue: That was probably controversial 10 years ago, but thanks to Russell T. it wouldn’t raise an eyebrow today. Good on him. Who’d have thought there would be a time when Doctor Who was the most progressive show on television. Weird, isn’t it?
Jack tries to rally the game show contestants to his cause.
Sue: You can see why they gave Jack his own show. He deserves one after that speech.
Me: Only three people agreed to follow him. The rest didn’t. It wasn’t that motivational, love.
The Doctor tricks Rose into the TARDIS so he can evacuate her to safety.
Sue: He’s going to keep his promise to Jackie, bless him.
The Doctor has left a hologram that explains everything.
Sue: Don’t look so sad, Neil. He turns into David Tennant and everything’s fine. More than fine, actually. So pull yourself together, lad.
The TARDIS has taken Rose back to the Powell Estate.
Sue: I’d move straight out of her flat and into the TARDIS. There’s loads more room, and you wouldn’t have to pay any council tax, either. Shame about the view, though. The Doctor should have programmed it to land in a nice field somewhere. Or a beach.
If the Doctor triggers his delta wave generator, Nyssa will finally get a good night’s sleep. Sorry, I mean: life as we know it will cease to exist.
Sue: He’s going for the hat trick. He’s wiped out the Time Lords and the Daleks, and now he’s after the full set with Earth.
Me: Except the first two didn’t actually happen, of course. And to be fair to the Doctor, he’s only committed genocide once (although he tried and failed more than once), so we shouldn’t be too hard on him.
The Doctor asks the Emperor to explain Bad Wolf to do him. The Emperor doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Sue: Good. I mean, why would the Emperor want to attract the attention of the one person who was capable of stopping him? That would have been insane, even for the Daleks.
Meanwhile, back on 21st century Earth, Rose is eating chips.
Sue: Wow. What a scene. The script is incredible. Old Doctor Who was never this good. I’m sorry, Neil, but it wasn’t. Hey, don’t get upset about it, love.
Rose storms out of the cafe in an existential huff.
Sue: Good on you, Rose! Now I understand why the Doctor loves her so much. Have you stopped crying yet, Neil?
The Daleks are swarming outside Satellite Five.
Sue: I love the music. And look at how many Daleks there are, Neil! This is more like Babylon 5 or Battlestar Galactica than Doctor Who. Not that I’m complaining.
Rose is suddenly confronted by two very familiar words.
Me: Does this make any sense to you, Sue?
Sue: A bit. I think.
Me: Good. Can you explain it to me, please.
Sue’s explanation makes even less sense than Russell’s.
Me: You haven’t got a clue, have you?
Sue: It’s definitely something to do with the egg (see Boom Town). The words should have been Bad Egg. That would have made more sense.
Back on the space station, Jack’s rag-tag team of game show contestants are being picked off by the Daleks. One of them takes it badly and blames Jack for lying to them.
Sue: So did Jack lie to her, or is he just stupid? Either way, this can’t be good.
At least the Anne Droid managed to take some Daleks down with her.
Sue: Brilliant. I love it.
What she doesn’t love is the news that the Daleks have decided to exterminate every human being on the station, including the helpless ones cowering in the basement.
Sue: And I thought Game of Thrones was grim.
Back on Earth, Rose can’t open the TARDIS console, no matter how hard she tries. And then she confesses to Jackie that she met her father before he died.
Sue: I like the way everything connects in this series. It’s very clever, don’t you think, Neil? Oh, don’t tell me you’re crying again. For God’s sake, get a tissue. You’re leaking all over your notepad.
Even Sue gets a bit choked up when Lynda is exterminated. I wanted to ask her if she managed to lip read the silent Dalek, but I was too devastated to get the words out.
Sue: ****ing hell. What a way to go.
Jackie comes to rescue with a recovery truck – a favour owed by Rodrigo, which gets a huge laugh (and we needed one, believe me). And then Rose stares into the Heart of the TARDIS, and doesn’t turn into an egg, thank God.
Sue: The TARDIS never used to be this windy when it took off. It could do with some Gaviscon.
When Captain Jack is exterminated by the Daleks, Sue gasps (even though she should know better).
Sue: I bet that was really shocking at the time. The goodies are dropping like flies.
The Doctor has a decision to make. Is he a killer or a coward? “Coward, any day,” he declares.
Sue: Except for that day he was a killer, but wasn’t really. Oh, it’s so complicated.
And then Bad Wolf (it was Rose all the time!) turns up and explains everything. And I do mean everything.
Me: It still doesn’t make any sense.
Sue: Oh, give it a rest. I don’t care.
Bad Wolf destroys all the Daleks (this definitely happens, by the way) and then the Doctor and Rose kiss.
Sue: Look away, Neil… Okay, it’s safe now; it’s finished.
The kiss was purely platonic; it just happened to be the easiest way for the Doctor to consume
the energy that was threatening to blow Rose’s head off. Just so we’re clear on that.
Sue: The Doctor should do this every time he runs into the Daleks.
Me: Snog somebody?
Sue: No, stupid. He should open up his TARDIS and kill all the Daleks with it. Job’s a good ‘un.
Me: You do know what happens next, don’t you?
Sue: Yeah, he dies. I know. Next time he should crank open the TARDIS, take a sip, not the whole thing, mind, and then he’d be sorted. Just enough power to zap the Daleks, but not enough to kill him. I’m surprised he’s never tried it again to be honest.
Captain Jack has risen from the grave.
Sue: I’d forgotten that Rose was responsible for his superpower. I notice that she didn’t bring Lynda back to life. I knew she was jealous.
Back on the TARDIS, the Doctor tells Rose that she was fantastic. And do you know what? So was he.
Sue: I bet he can’t wait to go.
The Doctor doubles over in pain, there’s a flash of blinding light, and then, before you can say “Chim chim cher-oo”.
Sue: Oh look, it’s my third husband.
Sue: Phew. That was incredible. I’d forgotten how good that was. Everything about it – the script, the acting, the effects, the direction, the music – I can’t fault a single thing. Even the colour grading was excellent – it looked very cinematic. I’m giving it 11 out of 10.
Me: You can’t do that.
Sue: Wanna bet?
You can learn more about the fabulous John Callaghan here. And my wrist is much better, thanks.