DOWNTIME

Sue: So what are you putting me through tonight? Me: I’m going to give you a taste of just how desperate Doctor Who fans were in 1995. Sue: A desperate Doctor Who fan. Sounds wonderful. Me: I’m going to show you a fan film. Sue: Haven’t I suffered enough? Me: The fans grew tired of…

THE FIVE DOCTORS

We watched the original broadcast version of The Five Doctors. Sadly, I couldn’t source an off-air copy with the Children in Need ticker running across the bottom of the screen. I hope this doesn’t invalidate the science at the heart of this experiment. Nicol: I’m not watching any William Hartnell with you. You can forget…

K9 AND COMPANY

Sue: I am so ready for Peter Davison. Me: We have to watch a Christmas special first. Sue: A Doctor Who Christmas special? Me: Well… Sue: This had better not be a fan-thing which doesn’t count. I can’t be bothered with that. It’s not that Shada thing you keep banging on about, is it? Has…

THE HAND OF FEAR

Part One On the frozen wastes of Kastria… Sue: Is this planet of the anoraks? A humanoid figure is tracking a spaceship on a computer screen. Sue: He’s playing the slowest game of Pong ever. This cold opening (sorry), which mainly features an asthmatic alien freezing its bollocks off, doesn’t do anything for Sue. Sue:…

THE MASQUE OF MANDRAGORA

Part One Sue: New font. I don’t like it. Me: It’s Cantoria Bold. Sue: It’s Cantoria Boring. The Doctor and Sarah are exploring the TARDIS when they stumble across its boot cupboard. Sue: So that’s where the Doctor keeps his own chroma studio. Look at all that lovely CSO. Sue isn’t impressed with the Doctor’s…

THE SEEDS OF DOOM

Part One Sue: Robert Banks Stewart. Does he exist? I recognise the name. Me: Yes, he exists. He wrote Terror of the Zygons. Sue: I liked Terror of the Zygons. Me: I know, but you try telling some of our readers that. Two men are gathering samples from a glacier in Antarctica when one of…

THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS

Part One Sue: Who’s Robin Bland? Me: Robin Bland doesn’t exist. Sue: Not again! So what happened this time? Me: Robert Holmes rewrote a Terrance Dicks script and Terry told him to take his name off it. He told him to replace his credit with a bland pseudonym. Sue: So this is a bad one,…

THE ANDROID INVASION

Part One Sue: Oh no… Me: Go on, then. Say your catchphrase. Sue: Actually, I’ve decided to say “Terry ****ing Nation” from now on. A soldier is walking through a wood, nursing a twitching arm. Sue: Either he’s late for breakdancing practice or he’s an android. Me: I think the clue is probably in the…

PYRAMIDS OF MARS

Part One Sue: Is there anything I should know about Stephen Harris? I don’t remember seeing his name before. Me: Only that he doesn’t exist. It’s a pseudonym for Robert Holmes. He had to rewrite another bloke’s script at the last-minute. The only thing he kept was the title. Sue: Well, if it’s Robert Holmes,…

PLANET OF EVIL

Part One Sue: Louis Marks. I hope this doesn’t lose marks too quickly. Me: That’s a pun. We don’t do puns, Sue. Sue: But seriously, his name rings a bell. Should I know who Louis Marks is? Me: He ran a profitable sideline selling toy Daleks. Sue: Did he really? Me: No. And to answer…