WORLD WAR THREE

Sue isn’t impressed with the resolution to last week’s cliffhanger(s).

World War ThreeSue: It’s a bit of a cop-out, don’t you think? Suddenly, the electricity isn’t as dangerous to the Doctor as we were led to believe, and now he’s put all the aliens out of action. Somehow. Don’t ask me how. Anyway, it’s a massive design flaw. That’s like having an army, but if one of your soldiers dies, they all die. ...

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42

ALIENS OF LONDON

The Powell Estate, London.

aliens1Me: The estate was named after Jonathan Powell, the **** who cancelled Doctor Who.
Sue: And what’s wrong with having a housing estate named after you? Didn’t Nelson Mandela have some flats named after him? I would have been flattered.

The Doctor has brought Rose home.

Sue: So the Doctor can steer the TARDIS, then. I wish this programme would make its bloody mind up.

While Rose rushes off to find ...

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41

DOWNTIME

Sue: So what are you putting me through tonight?
Me: Tonight I’m going give you a taste of how desperate Doctor Who fans were in 1995.
Sue: A desperate Doctor Who fan. Sounds wonderful.
Me: So I’m going to show you a fan film.
Sue: Haven’t I suffered enough?
Me: The fans grew tired of waiting for the BBC to bring Doctor Who back, so they did it themselves. Fans are like that.
Sue: But how could they afford it? ...

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BATTLEFIELD

Part One

Sue: This had better be good.
Me: What are you going to do if it isn’t? You can’t give up now.
Sue: Wanna bet? I could still do a Scanapanasky.
Me: Schapansky.
Sue: Whatever. I’m just saying.

Once Sue has gotten over the fact that the theme music isn’t in 5.1 surround sound, she latches onto the writer’s name.

Sue: Aaronovitch.
Me: You almost pronounced that correctly. Well done.
Sue: I like him, don’t I?
Me: Well, you liked Remembrance ...

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174

THE SEEDS OF DOOM

Part One

Sue: Robert Banks Stewart. Does he exist? I recognise the name.
Me: Yes, he exists. He wrote Terror of the Zygons.
Sue: I liked Terror of the Zygons.
Me: I know, but you try telling some of our readers that.

Two men are gathering samples from a glacier in Antarctica when one of them proclaims, “This isn’t ice!”

The Seeds of DoomSue: No, it’s polystyrene, love, but nine ...

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79

THE ANDROID INVASION

Part One

The Android InvasionSue: Oh no.
Me: Go on, then. Say your catchphrase.
Sue: No. I’ve decided to say “Terry ****ing Nation” from now on instead.

Trust me, it’s completely different.

A soldier is walking through a wood. His right arm is twitching erratically.

Sue: Either he’s late for breakdancing practice or he’s an android.
Me: I think the clue is probably in the title.

The TARDIS arrives in the same wood.

Sue: I ...

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119

TERROR OF THE ZYGONS

Part One

Me: We’ve made it to Doctor Who’s 13th season.
Sue: 13, eh? Unlucky for some.
Me: We’ll see.

Thankfully, Terror of the Zygons gets off to a cracking start.

Sue: That’s a nice edit to kick things off. I’m not entirely sure what I was looking at there, but it’s a confident start.

An oil rig crumbles into the sea.

Sue: I still don’t know what I’m looking at, but that was probably a very nice explosion. I’m sure it was a smart ...

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169

ROBOT

Part One

RobotSue: Ooh, scary face. Tom Baker looks very serious, doesn’t he? But this is a much better title sequence. You don’t need to see the Doctor’s legs.

And then…

Sue: They still haven’t fixed the credits! That’s just lazy. They slapped the new titles over the old ones and hoped for the best. Will they ever sort that out?

Tom Baker’s opening gambit doesn’t go down well either.

Sue: Is Tom Baker always this ...

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86

PLANET OF THE SPIDERS

Part One

Me: Right, this is it.
Sue: This is what?
Me: This is the last Jon Pertwee story. Six more episodes and it’s all over.
Sue: Really? Why are you telling me this now? Are you winding me up again?
Me: I was going to keep it a surprise, but I believe this story works better if you know that it’s the Third Doctor’s swan song. It would have been common knowledge to the average viewer at the time, too. ...

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70

INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS

Part One

Me: Right, we have two choices tonight. We can watch a recently recolourised version of the first episode – which looks a bit ropey around the edges – or we can watch a black white copy instead. It’s up to you.
Sue: Wow, I’m spoilt for choice. What do you recommend?
Me: I’d go with the black and white version if I were you. I think it looks better, and most of the audience would have seen it in ...

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