Part Five

Sue: They should recap every episode. It’s really helpful. Hey, what happened to Robert Holmes?
Me: It’s Philip Martin’s turn to take over for a bit.
Sue: The Gangsters man? That’s okay. He’s pretty good.

The episode reconvenes in the Time Lords’ space station.

Sue: We’re going to keep seeing this model shot, aren’t we? They’re definitely getting their money’s worth out of it. You can’t blame them, though. It looks great.

The Doctor and the Valeyard are clearly jostling for the Inquisitor’s affections.

Sue: They both want to shag her in her chambers. It’s written all over their faces.

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8The next portion of the trial takes place on the planet Thoros Beta.

Sue: (Singing) Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know Major Tom’s a junkie…

And once she’s got that out of her system:

Sue: It’s an interesting special effect. They are definitely pushing the boat out. Speaking of which, park the TARDIS closer to the beach next time, you idiot! Hang on a minute… Is it just me or are they using the wrong door on the TARDIS? I thought they always opened the door on the right, but now they’re suddenly opening the door on the left. That can’t be right, can it?
Me: Remind me to introduce you to Gallifrey Base when this is all over.

The Doctor and Peri, acting on information given to them by a “dirty old Warlord”, have arrived on Thoros Beta in search of gunrunners.

Sue: Peri never gets a break. It’s as if her life is one big sexual harassment case.

As the Doctor and Peri stroll across the alien beach, Sue begins to have second thoughts about the paintbox effect.

Sue: The fringing is even worse than some 1970s CSO I’ve seen. I bet this is what an LSD trip looks like. I hope the whole thing isn’t like this. I don’t think my eyes could take it.

But it’s not all bad news.

Sue: I’m just happy to see the Doctor and Peri smiling and being mates with each other. I’m so glad the last story wasn’t just a one-off.

The Doctor and Peri find a cave, but once inside, a homicidal creature called the Raak immediately attacks them.

Sue: That was completely out of the blue. Thank God the director isn’t showing very much of this thing. Clever director.

The Doctor accidentally kills the creature, but the Valeyard isn’t interested in his excuses.

Sue: He’s done much worse than that, mate. He’s shot plenty of things on purpose before, so why not show them that instead?

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Meanwhile, on an operating table somewhere…

Sue: Oh, it’s him. Brian Whatsit…
Sue: Brian Gordon.
Me: For ****’s sake, Susan, it’s Brian Blessed!
Sue: Of course it is. Sorry, it’s been a long day. Some of us have real jobs, you know.

The Doctor and Peri have to employ the skedaddle technique to escape Thoros Beta’s security forces.

Sue: Running away like that makes you look guilty. You do know that, don’t you?

During their escape, the Doctor and Peri encounter a man with the face of a dog.

Sue: The makeup is fabulous, especially the teeth. I hope the actor didn’t get lockjaw trying to keep them in.

Thankfully, this dog’s bark is a lot worse than its bite.

Sue: Aww… He’s cute. Take him with you. He could be a scarier version of K9. But as soon as he starts humping Peri’s leg, he’s out.

The Doctor promises to return for the unfortunate beast later.

Sue: If he were a werecat, the Doctor wouldn’t have left him like that. It is okay to love dogs and cats, you know.

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8The Doctor and Peri briefly get a glimpse of Sil, the Mentor from Vengeance on Varos.

Sue: Oh, I like him. He’s funny.

Peri can’t believe the Doctor has brought her to a sex pest’s doorstep again, and this time she wants out.

Sue: Is Peri going to leave? It’s never a good sign when companions start banging on about going home at the beginning of an episode.

The Valeyard asks the court to consider a damning statistic: the Doctor’s companions are placed in danger twice as much as the Doctor is.

Sue: Is that all? I’d have put it closer to five times as often, especially if you include being lusted after by sex pests.

Sil is worried about King Yrcanos’ condition, and a fellow Mentor named Kiv shares his concerns.

Sue: Are they sleeping in the same bed? It looks to me like they’re topping and tailing. And who’s playing the alien on the right? His voice is very familiar.
Me: It’s Mike from The Young Ones. He comes back as a Sontaran in the new series.
Sue: And who’s she? Her face rings a bell.
Me: That’s Albie Parsons. She was in Gangsters.
Sue: Of course she was. Why am I not surprised? Still, it’s good to see speaking parts for black actors for a change. You don’t see enough of that in Doctor Who, even in the 1980s. Plus, it helps take my mind off all the black slaves in the background. I mean, what’s that all about?

Detected by Sil, the Doctor is apprehended and forced to wear a helmet that messes with your brain. The episode then concludes with the Time Lord screaming in agony.

Me: You’re not saying very much, Sue.
Sue: There isn’t very much to say. It’s alright – I’ve seen worse – but it isn’t half taking its time.

Part Six

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8The Doctor’s screams are so loud, he wakes up King Yrcanos, who’s strapped to the operating table beside him. The Warlord breaks free and trashes the place.

Sue: Brian Blessed throws like a girl!

Yrcanos storms off in a huff, but not before he puts his helmet back on.

Sue: Is that a fireman’s helmet?
Me: I think it’s supposed to show that he’s an alien version of a samurai warrior.
Sue: Well he’s never going to be a ****ing ninja, is he?

Yrcanos is committed to fighting back against the Mentors.

Sue: Is Brian still alive in real life?
Sue: Then why isn’t he in Game of Thrones?
Me: What do you think of his performance?
Sue: He’s Brian Blessed. How can you not love Brian Blessed?

The Doctor slumps against a wall.

Sue: He looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy sitting there like that. Still, if Brian is doing all the talking, it’s probably best if you just sit it out.

Back in the courtroom, the Doctor claims that he can’t remember these events.

Sue: Of course you don’t remember them – your brain has been ****ed with. We saw that less than five minutes ago. Are the Time Lords supposed to be thick?

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Kiv is suffering from severe headaches and he’s employed a mad scientist named Crozier to fix him.

Sue: Kiv is very funny.
Me: Did you watch The Young Ones?
Sue: Yes, but I thought it was silly. I didn’t get it. In fact, I barely remember the one called Mike. Was he the short one?
Me: How did you guess?
Sue: I’ll tell you what, though – I really like this story’s design. The structure of this place is very believable. The metalwork is especially beautiful.

The Doctor shouts, “Weapons!” at the top of his voice.

Sue: I can’t believe Colin is actually trying to compete with Brian. The sound department must have had a nightmare. God, can you imagine it?

The Doctor betrays Peri and Yrcanos in order to save his own skin.

Sue: I can’t tell if he’s making it up or not. You can actually believe it with this Doctor – he’s been a **** before.

Yrcanos learns his best friend has been turned into a dog.

Sue: What kind of name is Dorf for a pet?
Me: No, his squire has been turned into a dog, you idiot!
Sue: I’ll idiot you in a minute. How am I supposed to know? Brian’s making up half these words as he goes along!

And then Sue says something that takes my breath away: she actually praises Ron Jones’ direction.

Sue: Don’t look at me like that, Neil. It is nicely directed. The lighting is superb.

Peri volunteers to be a slave.

Sue: I bet she’s accidentally joined a harem. That wouldn’t surprise me.

Yrcanos adds THE DOCTOR! to the list of people he wants to kill.

Sue: It’s impossible for me not to root for him.
Me: It has been suggested that Brian would have been a good Doctor.
Sue: Really? He’d have been, er… interesting. He could pick Daleks up and toss them aside, which would be different, I suppose.

Peri is forced to serve drinks to the bad guys. As Sue points out, it could have been a lot worse.

Sue: She looks like she’s playing the princess in Aladdin. You know how they were always putting on pantomimes when they made Doctor Who back then? Well, did they share the costumes with the panto company to save money?

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Peri is taken to the Sea of Sorrows and chained to some rocks so that her ‘friend’ can interrogate her more thoroughly.

Sue: Has the Doctor really turned to the dark side? I’m confused.
Me: Don’t worry, so was Colin Baker.

The Doctor is intercepted by Yrcanos on his way back to the Mentors.

Sue: Go on, Brian, kill him!

Part Seven

Sue: I’ve just thought of something…

I can’t wait to hear Sue’s theory about how the Matrix works…

Sue: There can’t be any wind on Gallifrey. If there were, they never would have invented a head dress like that.

It’s business as usual as we reach the halfway point of the trial. And by that I Brian Blessed has turned everything up to 11.

Sue: Didn’t anyone have the nerve to tell Brian to tone it down a tiny bit? Then again, it is Brian Blessed, so what did they expect?

When Dorf whimpers, Peri thinks he sounds hungry.

Sue: He does have a name, you know. A really stupid name, yes, but he can understand every word you’re saying. Stop talking about him as if he’s stupid.

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Despite Peri’s treatment of Dorf, he’s still very much taken with her.

Sue: He wants her to tickle his belly. Still, you could probably say that about every man Peri meets.

Yrcanos and Dorf compete for Peri’s affections.

Sue: Does she really think standing between them while she thrusts her breasts out like that is a wise move? Are you sure the Matrix can’t lie? Because that was ****ing mental!

Sil gives the Doctor a simple lesson in economics.

Sue: He’s great. Even his tongue is green; that’s how into this part he is. He’s got an amazingly fast tongue.
Me: He’d be a great trumpeter.
Sue: Among other things.

Alphan rebels attack Peri, Yrcanos and Dorf.

Sue: They’ve been captured by a Peruvian pan pipe band. You couldn’t move for pan pipe bands in the 1980s. It was horrible.

Meanwhile Kiv has a cardiac arrest and Crozier is forced to perform CPR on him.

Sue: I love the way he decided to finish his cup of tea before he saved Kiv’s life. That was very funny. It’s all a bit weird, this, but it’s very entertaining.

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Kiv’s new body has been stabilised, but he still requires another operation.

Sue: Why can’t he just stay in that body? What’s wrong with it, exactly? Is it because he’s beige?

As they make their way through the caves, the lead pan piper, Tuza, keeps tripping over the bodies of his friends. At one point he even stumbles over Verne.

Sue: Who the **** is Verne?

Back in the courtroom, the Doctor objects.

Sue: He wants to know who Verne is.

The Doctor refuses to take responsibility for Verne’s death. Poor Verne.

Sue: The courtroom scenes are starting to get on my tits now. I don’t mind them when they shed new light on things, but that last one was just padding.

It’s taken her seven episodes to realise this, which must be a new record for Sue. Anyway, Yrcanos, Dorf, Tuza and Peri are all shot by Frax.

Sue: Peri isn’t dead. They can’t kill Peri.

Back in the courtroom, the Doctor objects once again. Crash zoom on Colin’s face and roll credits.

Sue: What a stupid cliffhanger. You finish with Peri laying on the floor, you idiots!

Part Eight

Peri isn’t really dead of course.

Inquisitor: Then what was the point of showing that last sequence?
Sue: It’s called a cliffhanger, ma’am. We have to have one every 25 minutes. It’s the law.

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Frax wants his keep his prisoners alive so the Mentors can experiment on them.

Sue: The only thing that lets this story down is the costumes. He looks like he’s come dressed as Buttons. Are you sure they haven’t done a deal with a pantomime company?

Peri can’t wait to return to Earth.

Sue: Oh dear. There she goes again. She’ll be off soon, I bet. I hope she makes it home. I won’t be very happy if she has to settle down with a sex pest.

Peri tries to explain to Yrcanos what love is.

Sue: It’s exactly the same feeling you have for your dog, only less intense.

Yrcanos can’t wait to reach the afterlife, mainly so he can start fighting again.

Sue: That was very funny. What a lovely scene.

The Doctor examines Tuza, who has been placed in an implantation cubicle.

Sue: I hope they can implant some acting talent into him. He’s terrible.

The Doctor is still acting suspiciously.

Sue: So is he good or bad or what?
Me: I don’t know.
Sue: What do you mean, you don’t know?

Crozier decides to transfer Kiv’s brain into Peri’s body.

Sue: Do you think Kiv will be okay with the compulsory sex change? He should probably check, just to be on the safe side.

Yrcanos ushers a guard back into his cell.

Sue: I love the doors in this story.
Me: Colin found the invoice for that door lying around on the set. He took great pleasure in telling Nicola that it cost more money than she did.
Sue: It was worth it, it’s a bloody good door.

Yrcanos vows to save his bride-to-be.

Sue: To be fair, he’s definitely the nicest sex pest so far.

The Doctor and Yrcanos return to the Induction Centre.

Sue: I love this set. It’s as if they got their hands on Pink Floyd’s lighting rig.

Dorf is put down.

Sue: Aww… He’s gone to doggy heaven.
Me: Woofnik!

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Peri is lying on an operating table with a helmet attached to her head. Even more importantly, she’s as bald as a coot.

Sue: No way!
Me: Yes way!
Sue: So Peri’s bald now? That’s a brave thing to do. Sinead O’Connor isn’t trendy for ages.

The Doctor is on his way to save Peri from a fate worse than death when the TARDIS suddenly appears in a corridor. So of course he walks into it backwards.

Sue: What the…?

This is where the Doctor was taken out of time to stand trial. And then the Time Lords trap Yrcanos in a time bubble so they can weaponise him.

Sue: The ****ing hypocrites! They’ve put the Doctor on trial for less than this! Unbelievable!

Peri/Kiv admires his /her new body. It has legs, toes, a neck – everything!

Sue: Wait until you see your new breasts. All your Christmases have come at once, mate.

The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 5-8Crozier welcomes Kiv to his/her new body.

Sue: That was Nicola’s best performance so far. Absolutely brilliant, and very scary.

The Time Lord’s decide to let Yrcanos off his leash.

Sue: I’m sure it’ll be fine. They’ll change Peri back again. The Time Lords can fix this.

Yrcanos fires his weapon.

Sue: No way!

The Valeyard blames the Doctor for Peri’s death because he abandoned her.

Sue: No he didn’t – you kidnapped him! He would have saved her if you hadn’t stuck your big oar in.

The credits roll.

Sue: Wow. That was harsh. Not only did the Doctor fail to save her, he was a **** to her in her last story as well.

The Score

Sue: Well, I definitely didn’t expect that. It’s a fantastic way to go, though. I mean, that was even better than Adric. I was going to give it seven out of 10 – mainly because I love the green fella and Brian Blessed – but the shock ending bumps it up to an eight.


Sue: If you could put anyone’s brain in my body, who would you choose?
Me: Andrew Pixley.
Sue: I don’t know who that is.
Me: My point exactly. But seriously, love, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Coming Soon